Number Nine.

I'm dying my hair red!

Number Eight.

I'm clean, I'm fine, I'm breathing. I'm happy and I am glad that I have done the right thing. Accept me for who I am today, because I am not who I am yesterday. The things that haunted me and taunted me are forever in my history, and for today, today is a fresh start to everything I've ever dreamed of. Celebrate with me, because the impossible has just been achieved. I do not have secret, and I do not have regrets. I miss certain things, like you, or chances that I did not take. But I will not tread water until I can't tread anymore. Baby, today I am happy, tomorrow I will be too. I leave my centre soon, and I will be okay.

Number Seven.

Fuck off, fuck off, just fucking fuck off! Learn to leave people alone when you know nothing about them. Do not take away something from someone when they deserve to have it. You know nothing about these two people, they share something that you can not understand. She might be is friend, but it does not mean that he isn't honest or gives a shit about his girlfriend. People have friends, but I guess that you wouldn't understand this because you have never had any from the start. You are too blind to see that he would never do something like that because you know nothing about him. You are too blind to see that she would never hurt him, because you know nothing about her. Does it bother you that they have an honest relationship, something that you have never had. They earned this, this is there time - not yours. So tell me why are you intruding, why are you being a fruit fly in a house with clean tables and fresh fruit. If they had problems, they would tell each other. If they were cheaters, they wouldn't be together. Not all people function the same way you do, learn to grow up because everyone else has, you're the only one left, you little shit.

Protip: if they wanted your opinion, they would ask you. If there was something wrong, they'd be upset. But the only thing wrong with this picture is you.

Number Six.

Is all this bullshit for real?
Because I am sick of hearing about he/she said & cheating.

Number Five.

Today I walked within ten feet of my substance. Any closer and I would have been gone by now. I want that feeling, I want that rush, I want the synthetic happiness and the longing to end. There is no replacement for that feeling, nothing that is natural anyway. It is something that I want to let go of, but I think that it's on the verge of controlling me. I want to break away from it, I want to set myself free, but I don't know how. Lately I have been throwing up. I took pills, too many. I'm in withdrawal again. It's violent, it's shaking me, I just want to use and abuse - it's easier than stopping my symptoms of withdrawal. One blow, one needle, one shot, one inhale, and you're gone, it stops, you're lost, you're controlled.

Number Four.

I used to only see what I wanted to see, but now I see everything. I see that we'll never be, I see that my friendship is over. I see that my family is falling apart, and that I'm too young to die. I wish that being alive wasn't difficult and I wish that the fear of what comes after wasn't so strong. I'm resisting, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep fighting. Every time I breathe, I want to breathe in the awful burn of cigarettes. Every time I drink, I want to feel the burn of whiskey down my throat. Every time I blink, I wish I saw colours, I wish I felt nothing.

On a lighter note, I got a job. It sucks, it pays nothing, but I guess it's a job. I'm afraid that if I have money, I'll fall back into places I shouldn't fall into again. It's happened twice before, third times a charm. Third times the end.

Number Three.

I would like to fall down the stairs and break every bone in my body. There is no point anymore. I wish I didn't have feelings for you, I wish that I didn't have to live this life. I wish that one year ago I didn't take that drink, meet those people, or become hurt the way I was. I'm shallow, almost dry. I'm not sure what my next move is, I'm not sure where to go next. I'm to consumed by this craving. It's taunting me, haunting me, bringing me closer and closer to a world that is so numb you don't know when you're breathing, you can't tell if you're living.

Number Two.

I feel like I have fallen apart, I feel like there is no restoring the person that I once was. I was stripped away of everything, but the person who stripped everything away was me. I gave myself up to this big world, I let myself become vulnerable. I let myself fall into a hole so deep that I can't climb back up, I'm beginning to disappear from this place, this world. I think I'm fading, I don't think you notice me, I think I'm fading, soon I'll be gone.

Number One.

There are moments in my life when I want to be unbreakable, because everything is capable of breaking me. I long for the past life that I once had, but it's something that's out of my reach. I am frozen, I am lost in the life that I have created for myself now in this day. I crave the unthinkable and sleep doesn't come naturally. I lost everything, I lost you from the very start and I lost my best friend to. I'm unknown to the good, and only known to the bad. The worlds most addictive and horrible things seek me out, they find me in my darkest moments, in my happiest times. They know when to grab onto me and sometimes I would like to let go of it all, but something is stopping me.